The requisite two weeks of no shaving had passed, and I was now ready to get aforementioned bikini wax. I'm on a little vacation, currently in Houston, but I figured, what the hell, not like I have anything better to do. My homegirls had advice for me involving tea tree oil and exfoliants, and were excited for me to join the ranks of bald genitalia. Having the hairs ripped out of the delicate skin of your vulva is always fun. But fuck it, I chose the Brazilian after careful consideration. It’s probably the only time in my life I’ll try it out, as I’m generally opposed to bald genitalia, but I figured I’d keep a tasteful landing strip. So, I called the nice salon I had seen nearby the mall when I was shopping where they give over priced, mediocre haircuts and where a brazillian wax was like $85 dollars with tip. I'd reconciled with the idea that I was going to just have to suck it up and do it, and maybe cut into the alcohol budget. They also had no appointments available that day, the next day, or even the day after that... And I was leaving the day after that. Behind the laundromat where I'm staying I saw a shady little nail place, with a sign "-axing". The W had faded out. I went by there again, and the place was empty except for a korean dude watching KTV. The place is on a corner with big windows and fluorescent lights, a kind of fish bowl effect. I asked the man if they did waxing "Eyebrow?" "No...umm, bikini?" He didn't respond and turned around and walked out of the room, leaving me standing in the middle of the fish bowl.
After almost like five minutes he brought back this girl who looked, at the most,15 years old. She took me into a room that was all mirror on one side, a flickering bluish flourescent light, and a folding table with a blanket over it, and a collection of these little cats with wide eyed expressions on another table facing right up between where my legs were about to be. Definitely a poor design choice, I'd say. The room was about the size and ambiance of the back of a van.
"Where you going?" she asked.
"What?" I was a little lost.
"You go to beach?"
Oh. Um."Yeah sure...for...New Years." What the fuck? That doesn't even make any sense whatsoever.
She started spreading the first patch of wax. "You scared??" I smiled weakly. It was certainly not the best wax I'd ever had. The wax was too hot, was starting to scald the skin, and she tried to rip it off before it had time to set enough, so she had to go back over things a few times. When I flinched a little, she looked alarmed and said "Please don't cry! I will cry if you cry, for feeling bad for you." I was no where even close to crying. It's really not that bad, and this was without a doubt the most painful wax I've had. And I've had MANY bikini waxes before. But I was determined to be a trooper about it and remind myself this really does suck less than shaving. This place charged $45 for a wax. I thought it'd be cheaper, since they were so half assed, but I'll take what I can get.
After going home and taking a shower, I tried on some new panties. Beautiful. And it feels fantastic. No really.
I'm a sucha loser, I had to tell my best friend. "Thanks," she said. "Because you know I always wonder how your pubic region is doing." No applause?
Of course I told my boo too, since I'm going to see him when I get back. He didn't seem too enthusiastic about the aesthetic advances of my vagina either. Whatever, all of you are haters. I'm mad excited.
I really don't think the pain is that bad. I'm worried about messing up my skin or getting a bump or something. And I randomly had the thought later that night that all that pulling was going to destroy the collagen and over time I'd have an old lady vag. Is that insane? But the pain doesn't bother me, I'd rather have a short amount of pain than a long period of discomfort. PAIN IS PLEASURE. I don't mind things that hurt while you're doing them, I kind of like trying to go faster on the elliptical till my legs start burning or getting the last set of crunches in. The way I see it, the hot flushed skin after getting a bikini wax is like the way your legs feel like jelly after a hard stairmaster workout, it just feels like a sense of acomplishment.