Thursday, October 1, 2009

Ladies, Just Let Him Pay.

Why can't men just appreciate what they have? Contrary to popular belief, I think men are just as insecure as women are. When they are in a relationship with a good woman, they always seem to be looking for a reason as to why the woman "settled" for him.

Take for example this dude I've been seeing on an off for a few months. We were on our 5th date when out of nowhere, he decided to let out all his pent up issues with me. This nigga just read me the riot act because I reached for my wallet. “Why you always do that? I don't know why you even fucking with me. You should be with some nigga that can give you the world. I already know you're an independent woman. That's why I'm here. But damn, Sana, a man needs to feel like he can do for a woman. And when you tell a brother you won't even let him pay for a meal, its like you don't want to be vulnerable AT ALL.” He took my hand and said, “Look, I admit it. I need to feel needed. And I think you could use some taking care of. So why don't you let that superwoman shit go for a minute and let a brother do his thing.”

I can't help it though. The whole bill situation has a lot to do with my pride. It’s a mask of bravado I wear to hide my fears. It’s my fear of needing someone. It’s the fear of handing my vulnerability over to a man that might drop the ball. It kind of sucks to pretend to be totally self-sufficient but it is a hell of a lot easier than giving someone else the power to break you.

I had to ask myself: Is this man, with all his faults, capable of making me happy right now? I think so, yes. So after carefully thinking it over, I guess carrying it on my own has really worn me out, I'm going to take a chance. What's the worse that could happen?