I know how much y'all must miss me since I haven't posted in ages. Sorry about that. I got busy with life: love, work, and all that other good stuff. But I have started blogging again. I have moved over to Tumblr. Feel free to read my stuff there. The link to my Tumblr is below. Thanks for all the support, folks! I truly appreciate you all.
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity, all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road...to NOWHERE. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment, and take from it, everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are amazing and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you.You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely NO REGRETS. Most importantly, if you love someone, tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.
Learn from the past so you don't make future mistakes. Don't be afraid of the future, that's a big mistake. Learning is more than just knowing. Learning is applying what experience has taught you. It will enable you to make the needed adjustments. This concept of change paves the path in which progress can walk. Since the past has past and the future is not yet here...live in the present and receive your gift.
Long, long before I became a bitch – in fact, when I was still a high-school virgin – a really, really nice boy was completely in love with me ... and I was absolutely, positively oblivious to the fact that he was.
"Chi" and I met at through mutual friends the summer before our sophomore year of high school. He was my friends cousin and he was out here from Chicago for summer break. Even though he was a Cubs fan and I was(and still am) a die hard Yankees fan, we immediately bonded over Baseball.
Here are all the signs the boy loved everything about me:
He painted my toenails for me.
He talked to me for hours.
He bought me the 12" vinyl version of 'Like Water For Chocolate'- Common.
He even flew out here from Chicago to see me almost every other month.
Here are all the reasons it never even occurred to me that Chi was interested in me: Except for a different boy my freshman year, who I used to smooch with here and there, I had never had a boyfriend or been on a real date.
Even though I was actually pretty cute and sort of knew it when I looked at pictures of myself but I was a tomboy.At the time I wanted to be a boy(only because I wanted to play sports with the boys) I dressed like one had short hair like one.
I was jumpy around men. Probably due to one of my father's methods of discipline: Smacking. Out of nowhere, Smack! He'd zing me with a backhand slap to the forehead.
Chi never came right out and said, "I really, really like you. Do you wanna go with me?" Years later, we reconnected by phone and he confirmed, "I was so completely in love with you. Why do you think I painted your toenails?"
But the truth is, I never knew Chi cared about me, because it never even occurred to me that anyone could be attracted to me. I thought of him as a "friend," not because I wasn't attracted to him, but because it didn't occur to me that I should be attracted to him.
I had a blind spot when it came to nice, sweet, wholesome, smart, wonderful and not-at-all bad-looking boys who happened to be crazy about me. And unfortunately, that blind spot followed me well into my adult life.
Most people would say, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." But looking at my past, I really don't think that is the case. People who are hurt and damaged who don't love themselves can not truly love others. They can feel infatuation, lust, obsession, what passes for love, but what they think is love isn't really love.
And that's the truth about me and my ex.
But looking back at what we once shared, from the outside looking in, most people would say what we had was "Love". While we were together, he swore he loved me, and I swore I loved him. And we both meant it – fervently.
But the evidence wasn't in favor of either one of us.
Love doesn't disappoint, take for granted, verbally abuse and deliberately dupe another person. Because that's irritating, disrespectful and ultimately devastating.
Nor does love cling so tightly to a fantasy and a dream of the future that it completely dismisses another person's reality. Because that's unrealistic, disrespectful and ultimately life-strangling.
In lying and breaking promises to eachother continuously, we proved we did not love eachother.
We both experienced love as a noun: an indescribably good feeling, the object of the verb making.
We didn't experience love as a verb, with all the selflessness that it entails. He didn't love me enough to show up, to support my dreams and aspirations, to want what was truly in my best interests. I didn't love him enough to be spacious, to let him be him, to hear what was always being said under the surface.
We both did the best we could, based on who we were at the time, and we both called it love.
Then when sugar-sweet love turned to vinegar, we both fled.
I still don't know what true love is, but I definitely know a whole lot more about what it's not. And that's a good lesson and a good start.