Sunday, March 22, 2009

Vomit At First Sight.

Have you ever dated a man you were not attracted to ... not even one bit..not even after downing a bottle of patron? I have. As a matter of fact, I just went out with said man about a month ago.

It had been a few months since I last had sex, and about a month or so since I last had any type of jumpoff rendezvous. Maybe by the time this dude came into my life, I was so beat down that I thought, what the hell, why not? Maybe I was so needy that any form of sexual pleasure was enough. Maybe after being surrounded by all these looking for love type sucka ass predator dudes, I needed someone I could just push around without having to worry about the consequences.

Whatever the hell the reason was, this dude, let's call him "Boxer", ranks as my weirdest, most embarrassing, most what-the-fuck-was-I-even-thinking situation ever. And that's saying a lot.

I was sitting in Borders book store reading a book about Taurus Horoscopes 2009 when he came up to me. "So, I'm hoping your reading that horoscope for yourself and not for your man."

Without thinking, I hit him with a quick response, "Umm, yea, I'm the Taurus, but if I had a man and was reading it for him, why would it matter?"

And then he proceeded to try to hit me with his G. "Because then I wouldn't be able to tell you how good of a match Taurus and Cancer are. And it just so happens that, I'm a Cancer. Fate?"

At first I thought to myself, Who says that? But I can't front, I was intrigued(or maybe just bored).

"Boxer" claimed to be 26, but he looked a lot older. He was fashionably challenged walking around wearing slacks that were so short that they looked damn near like he was wearing capris. And on top of that he was mad skinny.

So what was the draw?

You have to understand that the only thing I was missing in my life was a convenient jumpoff. Most of mine have ridiculous schedules and its too much work. So, I figured, what the hell, let me stop being such an asshole and give "Boxer" a shot. I thought in the back of my head that he might have a crazy pipe game, can't let him get away.

So, Boxer gave me an impromptu psychic reading, proclaiming that I was a "roller-coaster ride" and an "adventure;" that I was a realist; that I looked and acted just like my father; on and on and on until he said the magic phrase, that as a cancer he could make me "happy".

Then he immediately did two things right: asked me out on date, and said can make himself available for me anytime that I want. Needless to say, after he said that, I had the ill kool aid smile on my face. Took his business card so I could set up an "appointment".

We went on a few dates and sexually, he did nothing for me. I didn't like the way he dressed, and his breath stank sometimes. I let him eat some of the forbidden fruit aka "the box"(hence,his nickname "Boxer") and I gave him nothing in return. Atleast while hes eating the box, all that is in view is his eyes and head, which weren't half bad. When he tried to have sex with me, I simply said, "I don't want to do this" and got dressed, while he all but burst into tears and confessed his love for me. Another psycho. He told me he was going to take care of me. He was going to come into some money, and he'd be able to help me. He tried again to hump me, and my exact words were, "You really need to get the fuck off me!"

He was undeterred. He said with absolute certainty, "I think you are making a mistake, we got something good here. You are my "Taurus" and one day we're going to look back on this and laugh."

Some part of me, really really deep inside, wanted to believe him. But honestly? I was physically sick to my stomach once I had to look at him after he was done with his Boxer duties. Needless to say, that was the end of that.

I wan't to hear about your stories with people you weren't attracted to. I know we have all had one if not more of those type of situations, and alcohol doesn't always do the trick.

5 comments:

  1. LOL oooooh shit.
    I needed to read this to lighten my day.
    Wild. I can't do that no matter how much I need physical attention. My body just doesn't work like that. If I'm not attracted to you, "it" wont get up. Period.

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  2. LoL...wow...that was so random! Why would he be like "..I'm about to come into some money??!" LOL...the most effing rubbish I've heard all day.

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  3. Just dropped a few awards on you. drop by my blog. ;)

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  4. Im will definatley share. this made my day though. you're crazy ("Boxer").

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