Have you ever dated a man you were not attracted to ... not even one bit..not even after downing a bottle of patron? I have. As a matter of fact, I just went out with said man about a month ago.
It had been a few months since I last had sex, and about a month or so since I last had any type of jumpoff rendezvous. Maybe by the time this dude came into my life, I was so beat down that I thought, what the hell, why not? Maybe I was so needy that any form of sexual pleasure was enough. Maybe after being surrounded by all these looking for love type sucka ass predator dudes, I needed someone I could just push around without having to worry about the consequences.
Whatever the hell the reason was, this dude, let's call him "Boxer", ranks as my weirdest, most embarrassing, most what-the-fuck-was-I-even-thinking situation ever. And that's saying a lot.
I was sitting in Borders book store reading a book about Taurus Horoscopes 2009 when he came up to me. "So, I'm hoping your reading that horoscope for yourself and not for your man."
Without thinking, I hit him with a quick response, "Umm, yea, I'm the Taurus, but if I had a man and was reading it for him, why would it matter?"
And then he proceeded to try to hit me with his G. "Because then I wouldn't be able to tell you how good of a match Taurus and Cancer are. And it just so happens that, I'm a Cancer. Fate?"
At first I thought to myself, Who says that? But I can't front, I was intrigued(or maybe just bored).
"Boxer" claimed to be 26, but he looked a lot older. He was fashionably challenged walking around wearing slacks that were so short that they looked damn near like he was wearing capris. And on top of that he was mad skinny.
So what was the draw?
You have to understand that the only thing I was missing in my life was a convenient jumpoff. Most of mine have ridiculous schedules and its too much work. So, I figured, what the hell, let me stop being such an asshole and give "Boxer" a shot. I thought in the back of my head that he might have a crazy pipe game, can't let him get away.
So, Boxer gave me an impromptu psychic reading, proclaiming that I was a "roller-coaster ride" and an "adventure;" that I was a realist; that I looked and acted just like my father; on and on and on until he said the magic phrase, that as a cancer he could make me "happy".
Then he immediately did two things right: asked me out on date, and said can make himself available for me anytime that I want. Needless to say, after he said that, I had the ill kool aid smile on my face. Took his business card so I could set up an "appointment".
We went on a few dates and sexually, he did nothing for me. I didn't like the way he dressed, and his breath stank sometimes. I let him eat some of the forbidden fruit aka "the box"(hence,his nickname "Boxer") and I gave him nothing in return. Atleast while hes eating the box, all that is in view is his eyes and head, which weren't half bad. When he tried to have sex with me, I simply said, "I don't want to do this" and got dressed, while he all but burst into tears and confessed his love for me. Another psycho. He told me he was going to take care of me. He was going to come into some money, and he'd be able to help me. He tried again to hump me, and my exact words were, "You really need to get the fuck off me!"
He was undeterred. He said with absolute certainty, "I think you are making a mistake, we got something good here. You are my "Taurus" and one day we're going to look back on this and laugh."
Some part of me, really really deep inside, wanted to believe him. But honestly? I was physically sick to my stomach once I had to look at him after he was done with his Boxer duties. Needless to say, that was the end of that.
I wan't to hear about your stories with people you weren't attracted to. I know we have all had one if not more of those type of situations, and alcohol doesn't always do the trick.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Types of Men I Refuse To Date
And if any dude is reading this, I'm sure that the same things can be applied towards females.
1) The Criticizer- If you can’t do anything right, you have found Mr. Wrong.
2) The Leech- The dude who brings the camera on the first date. Wants to tag along with you anywhere you go. Starts bringing up marriage within first few dates.
3) The Neglecter- “I’m gonna call you right back boo.” Right back to him is two weeks later.
4) The Pathological Liar- “My bad. Did I say Porsche? A Hyundai kinda looks like a Porsche, right?” Might as well call him Mr.Pinnochio.
5) The Show Off- Gives you a whole damn inventory of his possessions within the first ten minutes of your first date. Exaggerates importance of position at work. (ie: Tells you he works at a law firm, what he leaves out is that he works in the mail room)
6) The Know it All- You can’t tell him nothing. Try it, and he will tell you that you can’t tell him nothing.
7) Mr. Cocky- Thinks he is god’s gift to mankind. Every other sentence starts with “I”.
8) The Lush- Refuses to go out to any place that doesn’t serve alcohol. Has a flask handy at all times.
9) The Abuser- Extremely jealous. Tells you who you can talk to. Fantasized Aggression (ie: I swear if he looks at you again, I’m going to rip his head off)
10) The Pleaser- Sends you flowers every day to your job to tell you he’s thinking about you. Calls you every hour, on the hour, to see how your day is going. He’s there at your beck and call and you don’t even need a bell.
11) Too Far Without A Car- Lives in West bumblefuck and doesn’t even own a car. Oh, but don’t worry, he has a monthly metro card-SIKE!
12) The Cheater- “Baby, I swear, that was my sister who picked up my phone”.
13) The Busy Bee- Has way too much going on with work and side projects that he barely has time for you. Absence makes the libido wander.
14) The Sex Feen- First question he asks every time he calls is “What are you wearing?”. Overly touchy feely in public and always offering to buy you more drinks. Can not stop talking about his penis.
15) The Embryo- He tells you he’s 4 years older than you, and then later confesses, he is actually two years younger.
16) Deadbeat Dad- If he doesn’t give a shit about his own flesh and blood, what the hell makes you think he will give a shit about you?
17) The Player- Says he’s retired the Jersey but his phone does not stop ringing after 3am.
18) Momma's Boy- The one who lives with his mother AND mooches off her. This excludes the dude who lives with her and pays the bills because he wants to, not because he has to.
19) Semi-Taken- When you ask him what his situation is, he will tell you "It's complicated" And we all know this means he still talking to his ex.
I'm sure there is plenty more, but this is all I could think of for now.
1) The Criticizer- If you can’t do anything right, you have found Mr. Wrong.
2) The Leech- The dude who brings the camera on the first date. Wants to tag along with you anywhere you go. Starts bringing up marriage within first few dates.
3) The Neglecter- “I’m gonna call you right back boo.” Right back to him is two weeks later.
4) The Pathological Liar- “My bad. Did I say Porsche? A Hyundai kinda looks like a Porsche, right?” Might as well call him Mr.Pinnochio.
5) The Show Off- Gives you a whole damn inventory of his possessions within the first ten minutes of your first date. Exaggerates importance of position at work. (ie: Tells you he works at a law firm, what he leaves out is that he works in the mail room)
6) The Know it All- You can’t tell him nothing. Try it, and he will tell you that you can’t tell him nothing.
7) Mr. Cocky- Thinks he is god’s gift to mankind. Every other sentence starts with “I”.
8) The Lush- Refuses to go out to any place that doesn’t serve alcohol. Has a flask handy at all times.
9) The Abuser- Extremely jealous. Tells you who you can talk to. Fantasized Aggression (ie: I swear if he looks at you again, I’m going to rip his head off)
10) The Pleaser- Sends you flowers every day to your job to tell you he’s thinking about you. Calls you every hour, on the hour, to see how your day is going. He’s there at your beck and call and you don’t even need a bell.
11) Too Far Without A Car- Lives in West bumblefuck and doesn’t even own a car. Oh, but don’t worry, he has a monthly metro card-SIKE!
12) The Cheater- “Baby, I swear, that was my sister who picked up my phone”.
13) The Busy Bee- Has way too much going on with work and side projects that he barely has time for you. Absence makes the libido wander.
14) The Sex Feen- First question he asks every time he calls is “What are you wearing?”. Overly touchy feely in public and always offering to buy you more drinks. Can not stop talking about his penis.
15) The Embryo- He tells you he’s 4 years older than you, and then later confesses, he is actually two years younger.
16) Deadbeat Dad- If he doesn’t give a shit about his own flesh and blood, what the hell makes you think he will give a shit about you?
17) The Player- Says he’s retired the Jersey but his phone does not stop ringing after 3am.
18) Momma's Boy- The one who lives with his mother AND mooches off her. This excludes the dude who lives with her and pays the bills because he wants to, not because he has to.
19) Semi-Taken- When you ask him what his situation is, he will tell you "It's complicated" And we all know this means he still talking to his ex.
I'm sure there is plenty more, but this is all I could think of for now.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
How to Survive in the Dating Game
1. ABANDON ALL HOPE.
More than anything else, ladies, it's crucial that we change our outlook. Fuck it, stop thinking positively. Kiss expectation good-bye. Peace out optimism.
Why?
Because we shouldn't be masochists.
And dating is indeed a process of elimination.
Dating isn't just about meeting "the one". It's a filtering process. Like the Brita Filter for romance. Think about it, how else are we gonna figure out who we want to be with and what we are really looking for, except through trial, error, and experience?
The things we find sexy when we are fifteen-say, their ability to match their hats with there throwback jersey-are not what we want when we are 18-pretty much any guy who owns a vehicle-which is not, in turn, what we want when we're 25(a guy as solid as his credit rating). And this maturation comes from dating all the lames, players, wanna be rappers/djs/promoters/any profession that attracts groupies.
Bad dates are inevitable, but they are crucial and often necessary education. I have been on a date with pretty much every type of dude, you name it. I dated the freak who collected snakes to the dude who got called in for police line-ups on a regular basis.
But with each guy, I learned something. I learned that by the time I meet "him", I will be smart enough to appreciate him and know that this was exactly what I wanted all along. Every jerk we go out with is one less idiot we risk spending our lives with.
I pity those ridiculous females who go all out for dates. Treating them as their own personal Academy Awards. Even if they can't afford it-going out and buying a whole new outfit for the occasion. They hope and pray that every date will be "it" and they will finally be chosen. Date just started and they already thinking about walking down the aisle and delivering the acceptance speech. But if it doesn't happen, they cut themselves off from the world feeling devastated and swearing off ALL men until the next lameass asks them out.
Better method-we should get dressed jamming to, "Another One Bites the Dust." that way, if the date doesnt turn out to be total hell, we'll be pleasantly suprised.
2.THINK OF THE DATE AS ENTERTAINMENT.
The real purpose of a date isn't to meet someone. It's actually just so we can have something to talk about at lunch with our homegirls about the previous day.
Since majority of our dates we go on will end in disappointment, we might as well just approach them as a source of endless entertainment for ourselves and our friends.
So what if that dude who claimed to be a record executive at some record label turned out to be street team. <-True Story
So what if he says he wants to take you to a "really nice spot" and to dress up, and he ends up taking you to Olive Garden.
So what if your date spent the whole evening crying over his ex girlfriend?
Fuck it. Nothing takes the sting out of a shitty date like detachment and humor.
3.WE FEEL YOUR PAIN.
Nothing else can make a female feel as empowered as talking shit about past experiences of humiliation and misery. Why else would we watch those ridiculous talk shows?
Especially when it comes to love. Sure, every once in a while we get hit with a story about the woman who gave up trying to meet someone and then met her One True Love at the Laundromat.
But when you just get home after a date with a lame-o who spent the entire time making racist jokes and touching his crotch, you really don't want to hear about the bitch who met her soulmate. We derive a lot more comfort from our friend who just went on date with "dude who needs to by gps asap", who got lost on the way to her house, showed up three hours late(without flowers), and then on top of all of that, had the audacity to hit her up for some gas money. SMH
We have all dated some perfect ten dude, hoping that this will finally be The One, only to come home disappointed or rejected. We find out that this person that we fantasized about is actually thirty-two and living in his parents basement. Or that his life's ambition is to become the next Lil Wayne when he cant rap for shit.
Someone who tells us that she went on one date and "just knew he was the one she would spend the rest of her life with" is a dumbass. Sure, it might have even happened to her, but how the hell does this help us, thank you?
Next time you have a shitty date-or suspect that you might- remember that you're going on it not just for yourself but for the good of all womankind. Your misery could be another females comfort.
4.FUCK FALSE ADVERTISING.
Females are expected to act a certain way. Act like a lady and be this perfect creature on a date. And because of this foolishness, we put up with more bullshit than we should.
We say yes to a second date because we don't want to "be mean"-even if the guy is about as interesting as a plant.
We get into our date's BMW, even though nigga can't even walk straight and clearly had too much to drink, only because we dont wanna "offend him"
We lie about our needs and desires hoping we can become more likable.Oh yea, sure, I don't mind that you went ahead and ordered for me; really, I love raw oysters and horseradish. And yeah, I'm a huge Giants fan.
Theres a huge difference between manners and false advertising. If you bullshit him and tell him you are into football, chances are you will end up sitting through a whole fucking season with somebody who painted his chest red and blue with grease paint.
So next time we aren't interested in a guy even if we dont want to be mean, instead of letting him become a stalker and keep calling us every hour on the hour until we file a restraining order, we should just be honest. Maybe not brutally honest but lets be clear. Like "Listen buddy, I took down seven shots of patron, and I'm still not even remotely attracted to you, I am gonna have to get my stomach pumped just to get a hint of attraction, this just isn't going to work. " LoL. Okay maybe not that, but we should just tell them instead of wasting their time.
I remember meeting a man at this lounge a few years back and we hit it off. We were talking, dancing, smooching sans the liquor. Okay, maybe like two drinks but far from being inebriated. We were amazing together. By the end of the night, we exchanged numbers but I was dealing with finals for the following two weeks so I didn't call him until finals were over. When I called him,he sounded a lot less enthused than I was. He told me since he met me, his ex girlfriend came back in the picture. He wasn't sure what was going to happen with them but he didnt want to string me along because it wouldn't be fair to me. And that he likes me and wouldn't want to disrespect me.
At first, it hurt a little when he said it. But then I realized how much of a relief it was knowing where I stood. Shit, Who the hell knows if there was even an ex-girlfriend? But he said it clearly and respectfully.
Since then, I have tried to treat dudes I deal with in the same way. It's not easy, but definitely a lot easier than having to file a restraining order.
5.PRIDE > CLOSURE
Usually if a guys blowing us off, the course of action is to accept it and move the fuck on. If a guy says he's going to call you and two weeks go by, write that nigga off. Don't call him. Don't even bother giving him the satisfaxcction of hearing your neediness, desire and disappointment. Leave that for the birds and feens. Just walk away.
Whats meant to be will be, regardless. Besides, if this dude doesn't work out, it just brings us one step closer to our soulmate. Another One Bites The Dust.
More than anything else, ladies, it's crucial that we change our outlook. Fuck it, stop thinking positively. Kiss expectation good-bye. Peace out optimism.
Why?
Because we shouldn't be masochists.
And dating is indeed a process of elimination.
Dating isn't just about meeting "the one". It's a filtering process. Like the Brita Filter for romance. Think about it, how else are we gonna figure out who we want to be with and what we are really looking for, except through trial, error, and experience?
The things we find sexy when we are fifteen-say, their ability to match their hats with there throwback jersey-are not what we want when we are 18-pretty much any guy who owns a vehicle-which is not, in turn, what we want when we're 25(a guy as solid as his credit rating). And this maturation comes from dating all the lames, players, wanna be rappers/djs/promoters/any profession that attracts groupies.
Bad dates are inevitable, but they are crucial and often necessary education. I have been on a date with pretty much every type of dude, you name it. I dated the freak who collected snakes to the dude who got called in for police line-ups on a regular basis.
But with each guy, I learned something. I learned that by the time I meet "him", I will be smart enough to appreciate him and know that this was exactly what I wanted all along. Every jerk we go out with is one less idiot we risk spending our lives with.
I pity those ridiculous females who go all out for dates. Treating them as their own personal Academy Awards. Even if they can't afford it-going out and buying a whole new outfit for the occasion. They hope and pray that every date will be "it" and they will finally be chosen. Date just started and they already thinking about walking down the aisle and delivering the acceptance speech. But if it doesn't happen, they cut themselves off from the world feeling devastated and swearing off ALL men until the next lameass asks them out.
Better method-we should get dressed jamming to, "Another One Bites the Dust." that way, if the date doesnt turn out to be total hell, we'll be pleasantly suprised.
2.THINK OF THE DATE AS ENTERTAINMENT.
The real purpose of a date isn't to meet someone. It's actually just so we can have something to talk about at lunch with our homegirls about the previous day.
Since majority of our dates we go on will end in disappointment, we might as well just approach them as a source of endless entertainment for ourselves and our friends.
So what if that dude who claimed to be a record executive at some record label turned out to be street team. <-True Story
So what if he says he wants to take you to a "really nice spot" and to dress up, and he ends up taking you to Olive Garden.
So what if your date spent the whole evening crying over his ex girlfriend?
Fuck it. Nothing takes the sting out of a shitty date like detachment and humor.
3.WE FEEL YOUR PAIN.
Nothing else can make a female feel as empowered as talking shit about past experiences of humiliation and misery. Why else would we watch those ridiculous talk shows?
Especially when it comes to love. Sure, every once in a while we get hit with a story about the woman who gave up trying to meet someone and then met her One True Love at the Laundromat.
But when you just get home after a date with a lame-o who spent the entire time making racist jokes and touching his crotch, you really don't want to hear about the bitch who met her soulmate. We derive a lot more comfort from our friend who just went on date with "dude who needs to by gps asap", who got lost on the way to her house, showed up three hours late(without flowers), and then on top of all of that, had the audacity to hit her up for some gas money. SMH
We have all dated some perfect ten dude, hoping that this will finally be The One, only to come home disappointed or rejected. We find out that this person that we fantasized about is actually thirty-two and living in his parents basement. Or that his life's ambition is to become the next Lil Wayne when he cant rap for shit.
Someone who tells us that she went on one date and "just knew he was the one she would spend the rest of her life with" is a dumbass. Sure, it might have even happened to her, but how the hell does this help us, thank you?
Next time you have a shitty date-or suspect that you might- remember that you're going on it not just for yourself but for the good of all womankind. Your misery could be another females comfort.
4.FUCK FALSE ADVERTISING.
Females are expected to act a certain way. Act like a lady and be this perfect creature on a date. And because of this foolishness, we put up with more bullshit than we should.
We say yes to a second date because we don't want to "be mean"-even if the guy is about as interesting as a plant.
We get into our date's BMW, even though nigga can't even walk straight and clearly had too much to drink, only because we dont wanna "offend him"
We lie about our needs and desires hoping we can become more likable.Oh yea, sure, I don't mind that you went ahead and ordered for me; really, I love raw oysters and horseradish. And yeah, I'm a huge Giants fan.
Theres a huge difference between manners and false advertising. If you bullshit him and tell him you are into football, chances are you will end up sitting through a whole fucking season with somebody who painted his chest red and blue with grease paint.
So next time we aren't interested in a guy even if we dont want to be mean, instead of letting him become a stalker and keep calling us every hour on the hour until we file a restraining order, we should just be honest. Maybe not brutally honest but lets be clear. Like "Listen buddy, I took down seven shots of patron, and I'm still not even remotely attracted to you, I am gonna have to get my stomach pumped just to get a hint of attraction, this just isn't going to work. " LoL. Okay maybe not that, but we should just tell them instead of wasting their time.
I remember meeting a man at this lounge a few years back and we hit it off. We were talking, dancing, smooching sans the liquor. Okay, maybe like two drinks but far from being inebriated. We were amazing together. By the end of the night, we exchanged numbers but I was dealing with finals for the following two weeks so I didn't call him until finals were over. When I called him,he sounded a lot less enthused than I was. He told me since he met me, his ex girlfriend came back in the picture. He wasn't sure what was going to happen with them but he didnt want to string me along because it wouldn't be fair to me. And that he likes me and wouldn't want to disrespect me.
At first, it hurt a little when he said it. But then I realized how much of a relief it was knowing where I stood. Shit, Who the hell knows if there was even an ex-girlfriend? But he said it clearly and respectfully.
Since then, I have tried to treat dudes I deal with in the same way. It's not easy, but definitely a lot easier than having to file a restraining order.
5.PRIDE > CLOSURE
Usually if a guys blowing us off, the course of action is to accept it and move the fuck on. If a guy says he's going to call you and two weeks go by, write that nigga off. Don't call him. Don't even bother giving him the satisfaxcction of hearing your neediness, desire and disappointment. Leave that for the birds and feens. Just walk away.
Whats meant to be will be, regardless. Besides, if this dude doesn't work out, it just brings us one step closer to our soulmate. Another One Bites The Dust.
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