Since we are already on the topic...

Here is some insight on the topic from my buddy 'ol pal Deshair. And of course, as always, I co-sign with everything he has to say in this piece. Definitely a good read. Let me know what you think.

The Socialite: The “M” Words

Written by Deshair Foskey

The other day, I was talking to a colleague of mine about the “M” word; yes, marriage. She opened up to me on her feelings about it and how she had it all planned out from when she’d like for it to happen, where it will happen, and how many people will attend. The only problem was that she doesn’t have a special someone in place to fulfill her master plan. Once our trip into her world of gumdrops, candy canes and ponies was over, she needed a male’s perspective.

Natalie: So Deshair, do you ever think about getting married and having children one day?

Deshair: I thought about it on a few occasions. I never flood my mind with it though. I don’t look at it as some type of mission to accomplish.

Natalie: What do you mean?

Deshair: The story that you just laid on me about your dreams of marriage is more fantasy and more of a dream than actual reality. You want to be married by the age of 29, purchase a nice home with white picket fences, and have your second child by age 31, blah, blah, blah. Sounds more like you’re lining up your strategies for war than anything else.

Natalie: C’mon, there’s nothing wrong with having it all planned out. A girl can dream can’t she?

Deshair: Well yea, as long as your reality isn’t blurred by it. You’re 27 and don’t even have a steady boyfriend. Yet you already have the life of your next boyfriend planned out. Honestly, I don’t like that sh*t. I don’t want to have my life planned out for me before a first date even happens.

Natalie: I hear you.

Deshair: Look, whether you realize it or not, that dream of yours will cause you to think outside of what’s in front of you. What will happen if you’re 28 and you don’t have a man in your life? You’ll be so up in arms to find you a husband that you’ll take just about anything that comes your way.

Natalie: It ain’t even like that Deshair.

Deshair: Really? So if you’re not married by 29, you won’t be disappointed, even a little bit.

Natalie: Well, yes, I would be, but…

Deshair: Then it is like that. Natalie, marriage should not under any circumstances be a mission to accomplish. If it happens when you’re 32, let it happen then. There are certain things in life that you shouldn’t plan all the way out. And the day of your marriage, without being a fiancée in the first place, is one of them.

Once that conversation ended, I began to analyze similar conversations I’ve had in regards to marriage, or at least the pitfalls that comes with it. The Jagged Edge hit ‘Let’s Get Married’ ran across my mind as to where people may have subliminally caught the wrong message. Lyrics like, “Meet me at the alter, in your white dress / We ain’t getting no younger, we mind-as-well do it.” I understand what they are saying, but I wouldn’t suggest making this song your nuptial manual.

Statisticians wonder why the rate of divorce is at an all-time high. I’ll give you a not so obvious reason why. Some couples look at marriage as the 100 meter dash to the alter. The yellow tape at the end of the race which symbolizes victory when broken is the wedding day. Once the honeymoon is over, the mentality becomes, “Now that I have him/her, I can kick back, relax and slack off.” Sounds like a good reason for a marriage to fall apart to me.

A love that can last forever isn’t a 100 meter dash; it is a marathon that you train for everyday up until the time of the race. Marriage begins the moment that the gun goes off, signifying the beginning of the race. And if you have trained hard enough, 26 miles later, you’ll cross the finish line of, “til’ death do us part.”

So ladies, lets get back to the “Marriage on the Brain” segment. Ever wondered why you ran a guy off early? Bringing up marriage too early, even in the hypothetical form can do just that. You see, it’s not like men are completed throwed by commitment. Men just don’t want to have their entire life planned out for them; living up to expectations that are built for a storybook. Commitment is built on a free flowing line of energy, not upon deadlines and/or ultimatums.

Everybody heard the story of the woman who waited forever for her man to propose to her. “We’ve been together for ten years, and we’re still not engaged,” she says. Well if she took the time out to really match up their similarities, their goals and aspirations or lack there-of, she may have realized in year two that marriage wouldn’t be the culmination of the relationship that she was in.

There are women who live by this story. They don’t want to be that female that has waited for so long. But that doesn’t mean that you should force your relationship beyond its limitations at the time out of fear of time lost. When you take a chance on anything, you’re taking a risk. Finding your forever love doesn’t come without taking risks. And the last thing that you want to do is push away someone special in your life because you fear ending up like this woman you’ve heard about.

Let’s work on eliminating some of the stress that we’re creating upon our own situations. Let’s get to know one another. Let’s communicate and come to realizations. I am not in any way saying to have a “Whatever happens, happens” attitude. I am saying that you should open up your mind to the truth in front of you.

Tips from the Socialite

-Whatever you’ve done to make someone happy, you must maintain it to keep them happy.

-There’s nothing wrong with having expectations. Just be sure that you’re expectations are realistic to your current connection.

-Try your best not to show the “M” on your forehead. The actual race comes a distant second to the preparation for it.

The Socialite: Staying the Course

My boy wrote this and I had to repost it. I co-sign on EVERYTHING he wrote here. Definitely a good read. The kid is a amazing writer. Google him: Will Deshair Foskey, The Socialite.

Last summer, I said, “Hello,” to Brooklyn for the first time; the borough, not Mary J. Blige’s alias. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there a few times, but for business and that don’t count. Well, I was strolling down the block with a colleague of mine when my attention was snatched away by a freshly baked apple pie cooling on the window seal (yes, in Brooklyn).

Let me tell you, even though there was a black steel gate, a 15 step porch and an angry looking dog separating me from a taste of that pie, my mind was still racing for it.

My colleagues’ phone rang so she answered it and our stride slowed some. And there I was; a leap, porch climb and a reach away from bubbling apple perfection; and quite possibly, a bite in my backside from Kudjo, the angry looking dog. Then out of nowhere, my daydream was interrupted by the thunder clasp of my colleagues’ phone closing. “How could he do this to me,” she said, while slowing our roll even more.

We stopped in our tracks, she stepped into hugging distance, leaned her head on my shoulder saying, “I loved him with all that I had, Deshair,” wrapping her arms around me with her hands clutching onto my shoulder blades. “How could he throw away what we had, just like that?”

I never really got around to seeing more of Brooklyn that day, and for good reason. I can’t remember how long our embrace lasted, but I do remember that after we pulled apart and I looked up at that window seal, that sweet smelling apple pie was gone. I was ready to cry my damn self.

We spent most of the evening back at her apartment in silence. I had so many things to say, however, I was smart enough to know that she didn’t want to hear a lick of it. So as I stood there playing bowling on Nintendo Wii, I thought about her situation and how I’ve heard it all before: I was everything that he/she could ever want – there was nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for him/her.

Personally, I also thought about how I would only see her after she hit a rough patch in her relationship; any signs of smooth sailing meant that I wouldn’t hear from her as much, if at all.

Once I began to play Tennis on the Wii, I thought about that pie again (what can I say, I’m always hungry). But this time around, I thought of the pie as a whole, in relationship terms. We learn by default that a relationship should be 50/50. As 1 + 1 = 2 in my mind, I began to see the flaws in this equation.

1. For two people to come together under a 50/50 connection, thinking of this ratio as equaling out to 100%, subconsciously the relationship is being looked at as a way of completing one another.
2. 50/50 is geared more towards splitting or sharing responsibilities. Looking for comfort through convenience. Convenience is for stores, not relationships.
3. 50/50 has a good chance of becoming 0/100.

A 50/50 connection lacks what any level of a joining requires, balance. When it is believed that having someone in your life is what completes you, the feeling of giving that person all you have comes naturally, even if what you’re giving them is misguided. And if you so happen to give more than you receive, the beginnings of losing yourself will take form. 50/50 becomes 40/60, then 20/80 and then by the time you come to your senses, or your senses are forced to come to you, you’re already empty; there’s an icebox where your heart used to be, you’re 0/100.

The 50/50 concept is a lose/lose - one loss is of self and the other loss is of others. As the ratio changes on this emotional see-saw, parts of who you are chips away. I noticed that with my colleague, she’d talk to me about how tough school has become for her and in the same breath talk about what her boyfriend was up to and how she supports him. She wasn’t as bubbly or as sarcastic as she once was. Even her aging process was increasing.

And this is where the loss of others comes to a head. Because you’re devoting so much time and effort towards your 50/50, suddenly you’re not keeping touch as you once have; you’re canceling engagements to keep your significant other happy, and the list goes on. This is the blinded loyalty that results in the deterioration of your current connections. Yes, the same connection that you’d try to rekindle after your relationship is over.

On the other hand, if we can look at a connection as 100/100, two hot bubbling apple pies working together as a unit, we can establish some balance.

1. Each person comes into the connection as a whole onto themselves. Neither one is looking to be completed by the other.
2. 100/100 sets the stage for independence first, dependence a distant second.
3. 100/100 relationships promotes the “Give and Take” concept, as well as a “Business as Usual” approach

100/100 connections defines balance and breeds teamwork. Teamwork and convenience are not the same. As a team, teaching, learning and being a motivator are paramount. Each participant also handles their total responsibilities. Most importantly, the participant isn’t willing to compromise what they already have on the table for the sake of the relationship. For example, if you spent 20 hours a week devoted to studies before the connection, those 20 hours would remain in tact.

There is a self reliance about 100/100 that makes it more viable. When you are whole, you’re not looking to fill any void which more often than not, places a damper on your connection. You have an understanding in place, rules in place, building a strong foundation instead of a home that floats above ground.

It is safe to say that no matter the ratio, connections aren’t fool proof. There will always be some type of struggle to overcome. You just have to take the good with the bad, weigh your options, steer away from conveniences and maintain a self reliance even in togetherness.

Tips from the Socialite

Convenience is for stores, not relationships. Make the right decisions for the right reasons. For example, people often make the mistake of moving in together, far too early. Usually because they spend a lot of time together and figure that it’s a great way to save money by splitting the bills. But what happens when a job is lost? One person is forced to carry the weight of the bills, now doubled because you have someone guzzling up the electricity at all times of the day, as well as eating you out of house and home. I can dedicate an entire column to this statement alone. I just might…

Voids should not to be filled by others. It’s simple, if you’re having a concern with loving yourself; this is something that you must address on your own. It is not always a 0/100 scenario, which leaves you in a state of coldness. By trying to fill a void through someone else, you could emotionally drain them, 100/0.

Stay the course. Time management is a key to healthy connections. Do not sacrifice your future for the sake of making someone smile in your present. If they decide that they don’t want to accept your career goals, that don’t mean give up on them. More and more people turn down great opportunities for the sake of their relationship… regretting the decision for the rest of their lives.

If you want to get in good with the Socialite, bubbling hot apple pie would do the trick.