What is Love?

Most people would say, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." But looking at my past, I really don't think that is the case. People who are hurt and damaged who don't love themselves can not truly love others. They can feel infatuation, lust, obsession, what passes for love, but what they think is love isn't really love.

And that's the truth about me and my ex.

But looking back at what we once shared, from the outside looking in, most people would say what we had was "Love". While we were together, he swore he loved me, and I swore I loved him. And we both meant it – fervently.

But the evidence wasn't in favor of either one of us.

Love doesn't disappoint, take for granted, verbally abuse and deliberately dupe another person. Because that's irritating, disrespectful and ultimately devastating.

Nor does love cling so tightly to a fantasy and a dream of the future that it completely dismisses another person's reality. Because that's unrealistic, disrespectful and ultimately life-strangling.

In lying and breaking promises to eachother continuously, we proved we did not love eachother.

We both experienced love as a noun: an indescribably good feeling, the object of the verb making.

We didn't experience love as a verb, with all the selflessness that it entails. He didn't love me enough to show up, to support my dreams and aspirations, to want what was truly in my best interests. I didn't love him enough to be spacious, to let him be him, to hear what was always being said under the surface.

We both did the best we could, based on who we were at the time, and we both called it love.

Then when sugar-sweet love turned to vinegar, we both fled.

I still don't know what true love is, but I definitely know a whole lot more about what it's not. And that's a good lesson and a good start.

The Club. The Perfect Stalking Arena For The Cheating Man.

Obviously, women cheat too. But here, I will only address the men. Not being bias but a man's cheating tactics are VERY different than a woman's cheating tactics. So, perhaps I'll make this a two part entry, this being Part 1.

Growing up around a lot of males, I have witnessed the lengths that some men go to cheat on their girlfriends/wives. Most of the time, they really do love their woman, but the thing with men is, men crave sexual variety. And if you can't provide the variety, they will seek it elsewhere. Now, to the topic at hand. What is the ideal place for a cheating man to find the perfect smut woman to cheat with?

The most commonly preferred places are the bars, clubs, lounges. These modern day meat markets provide the perfect stalking grounds for any man who's looking to temporarily resign from his current relationship. Nowhere else can such an alluring combination of women, alcohol and immoral fuckery be found under one roof. Where art of good conversation has been degenerated to nothing more than a prerequisite to a some good sex.

Men have formulated their own ideas about women who go out to clubs every weekend. They figure these women are lonely, extremely bored, or just plain thirsty. Most women would disagree, but actions speak louder than words. Every weekend they pile inside overcrowded clubs wearing tight ass dresses with their asses hanging out, heavy makeup and way too much perfume. Their fuck me now piercing glares and suggestive body language declares to the thirsty ass men, "Tonight is the Night". I'm sure some of these women are entertaining thoughts of meeting their "Mr. Right." But luckily, some women eventually do wake up and realize that the club is no place to meet a decent man(in most cases). After years of putting up with the exhausting and bullshit games associated with night life, they grab their coats and purses from coat check and vow to never return. However this rude awakening is of no concern to the fiend who is confident that next week will bring a new roster of others to take their places. They will be lined up halfway around the block in their skimpy lil outfits in the freezing rain, desperately waiting to get into the club, like lambs being led to slaughter. And it is from these unsuspecting creatures that the next "other woman" will be chosen.

Physical beauty is the least important. The cheating man would much rather take a decent looking woman who will fuck the shit out of him, over a fine ass woman who has sexual inhibitions. He is looking for something he can't find in his relationship, a jumpoff must be willing to do all types of freaky shit. Loyalty is also a prerequisite. The cheating man, despite his own infidelity, needs a woman whom he can trust to not "run the streets". She must be at his beck n call at all times. He doesn't want to hear about her going out with her friends. She is his personal sex slave who must make herself available 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.

Its very hard to find this woman so the thirstbucket has to position himself in areas where his efforts in his quest to find the perfect jumpoff can be maximized. You will notice him sitting at the bar, standing by the door, or looking down over crowd from a perch or balcony. Once he spots his target, the chase is on and popping. Armed with a fresh caesar, splash of D&G cologne, and hopefully a breath mint, he sets out on his lustful journey. Just as the animal hunter relies on his guns, traps to capture his prey, the cheating man relies on his smooth talk, good looks and low morals of his victims to accomplish his goals.

But determining whether a particular woman has characteristics which will suit his purpose isn't such an easy task in a night club environnment. Loud music, other fiends, and the womans nosyass girlfriends make the process extra difficult. This leaves him little else to go by other than a womans attire. More precisely what she's wearing and how she's wearing it. This is first indication of her morality level. Of course this doesn't apply if she's wearing a mini skirt and clearly has her man by her side. But due to the fact that short tight mini dresses are commonplace wherever you go nowadays,the perception is that most of the women in the club are dizzy promiscuous whores. This hasty assumption has been the cause of many heated verbal and sometimes physical exchanges. The man can't decipher between the smuts and the women that are just out to have some fun and a night out with her girls. When women have their tits out on a platter, Some men percieve it as an invitation to touch, grasp, and be disrespectful. And there is no doubt that many women expect these types of impulses since they go to such great lengths to expose as much of themselves. The dude is merely reimbursing her for her troubles.

But sometimes even the conservatively dressed women is the looser one out of the two. But the man doesn't wanna do all of that. He's not looking for a women to take home to moms, he's simply looking for someone to take to the nearest telly to bang out real quick and possibly again in the future.

Let's keep it one hunnit, the night club is nothing more than a weekly production specifically designed for play,profit and perpetrating. Nothing is what it appears to be. When the doors open, curtain goes up, and its show time, unemployed men suddenly become corporate executives and women on welfare masquerade as fashion models in their knockoff louie v attire.

So, maybe next time you go out with your girls, you might wanna keep these tips in mind. Unless of course you don't mind being the smut "other woman", then do you. I'm not one to judge. I know any man I'm dealing with wouldn't dare look elsewhere. ::Kanye Shrug::

FYI WOMEN: Stop hiding that inner freak when you got a man. It's okay, you're SUPPOSED to do all that stuff with HIM. If you've done more stuff with your jump offs than you have with your man...then I dont blame him for cheating on you. You deserved it. REALITY CHECK Chances are, if he's with you, he's not going to label you a slut for fulfilling his(and your) needs.

Ladies, Just Let Him Pay.

Why can't men just appreciate what they have? Contrary to popular belief, I think men are just as insecure as women are. When they are in a relationship with a good woman, they always seem to be looking for a reason as to why the woman "settled" for him.

Take for example this dude I've been seeing on an off for a few months. We were on our 5th date when out of nowhere, he decided to let out all his pent up issues with me. This nigga just read me the riot act because I reached for my wallet. “Why you always do that? I don't know why you even fucking with me. You should be with some nigga that can give you the world. I already know you're an independent woman. That's why I'm here. But damn, Sana, a man needs to feel like he can do for a woman. And when you tell a brother you won't even let him pay for a meal, its like you don't want to be vulnerable AT ALL.” He took my hand and said, “Look, I admit it. I need to feel needed. And I think you could use some taking care of. So why don't you let that superwoman shit go for a minute and let a brother do his thing.”

I can't help it though. The whole bill situation has a lot to do with my pride. It’s a mask of bravado I wear to hide my fears. It’s my fear of needing someone. It’s the fear of handing my vulnerability over to a man that might drop the ball. It kind of sucks to pretend to be totally self-sufficient but it is a hell of a lot easier than giving someone else the power to break you.

I had to ask myself: Is this man, with all his faults, capable of making me happy right now? I think so, yes. So after carefully thinking it over, I guess carrying it on my own has really worn me out, I'm going to take a chance. What's the worse that could happen?

Good On Paper, And That's About It.

The past few weeks have brought several new guys in to my little world. (I'd venture to say too many guys, but really, that would be a lie. You can never have too many guys.) So I've been thinking about something I call "Good on Paper Guys." These are the guys that if you were to pick a boyfriend solely based on his dating résumé would make it to your short stack and called in for an interview. I've met several of these guys recently, and I'm not complaining (much). They look great on paper, and read like a good book. But then you meet them and they break down into multiple categories from there. Some continue to be great, some let you know that they believe themselves to be great on paper, and others remind you that anyone can pad a résumé. Which is why the interview is so important, right? (And why we don't allow our mothers to arrange our marriages.)

Too Good on Paper= Too Good for Himself

One particular new friend really qualifies as good on paper. He has a good job, interesting career, nice home, nice car, disposable income, he's talented, smart, interesting, funny, etc. And his photo is worth keeping under your pillow. And I can tell you from firsthand experience, he passes the interview. So what is the problem? He knows he is good on paper, therefore, loses points for cockiness, and for his complete, total, horrifying inability to commit.

Too In Demand

Then there is guy #2, equally qualified as the previous candidate. He seems to know his résumé will get passed around, but isn't pompous about it. Instead he earns 3-pointers for his humility. The problem with him? Every girl in town wants to interview him. To his credit, he appears to be willing to interview everywhere. But the waiting time to get in with him is just so long that you have to wonder if he's worth the wait.

Too Just Not for Me

I've met a few guys that come highly recommended and look decent on paper, but don't jump out at you. I've had some fun with these guys lately and made some new friends this way, but the truth of it still stands. They aren't the candidate I was looking for.

But then there are "Good on Paper Guys" who interview horribly. You think they are going to be perfect. You get your hopes up. You are ready to make a very high starting offer, but then... No! They either don't show up for the interview, reject the request for the interview, or just plain bomb the interview. Sometimes you are still even willing to give them a second chance. True chemistry can take time and practice. But no matter what you do you can't get past it. And it is so frustrating, because they were so well qualified on paper. Your heart is broken over something that doesn't really exist. And you have to throw the résumé away, and look at the other candidates, which is next to impossible because their credentials just don't add up! Part of you knows that you just have to forget they existed, burn the résumé, hit the delete key, erase your memory, and move on. Give the other candidates their fair chance. But part of you knows that your heart can't really ever forget anything. Can it? No matter how good or bad the other candidates look on paper..

The Perfect Relationship.

I'm going to make God the main man in my life

When me and God's relationship is right, everything else just kinda falls into place. If work feels like it's demanding too much, I kick it with God and he reminds me of my purpose. If life's obstacles seem too much for me to handle, God wraps his arms around me and reminds me of what we've accomplished together in the past. If loneliness is tempting me to lay my heart down in a place it can't help but get stepped on, God reminds me that heartache is what tends to set in when a woman calls a man to do the job that was only intended for him.

Fulfilling a hunger for a love unconditional, one that never abandons or dissapoints, one that replaces imperfect love of a flawed parent or never fails to come through in our time of need is a very heavy task. And a damn near impossible assignment made of mere flesh and blood. That kind of loving is best provided by a divine and perfect spirit. By giving God his proper place, I free myself from fear-because I know someone out there has got my back. Regardless.

Tall Tales

So, I went out with "Empire"(refer to my last blog post about my tall admirer). Surprisingly enough, he wasn't so bad. Real sexy, Idris Elba looking ass nigga. He was a little older than any of my past lovers, has a 9-5, owns a house, no kids and no girlfriend. And best of all, he is a real sarcastic asshole, much like myself. Oh yea, and he wasn't looking to get anything too serious since he recently got hurt by his last girlfriend and because he is very busy with work. Cha Ching! I love when a dude is on the same page as me. We hit it off real quick. Well, I think it was more about the whole challenge thing. We kept trying to outasshole eachother on our first date. I can say some rude and obnoxious shit, so when a dude can roll with the punches, that shit is real sexy. After wining and dining me, by the third date, things were going real good.

But that bliss was shortlived. After a couple of dates, this dude started crumbling. I could see it as it was happening, kinda like a glacier melting. A few rounds with the champ and his priorities got rearranged. I'll let him hang around for a month or so though, he gives me a ride home whenever I'm out(even if I'm like 50 miles away) AND he gives a bomb ass back massage. And what's funny is he was the one boasting about turning me out. "You're still young," he said. "I don't want to have you dick whipped". Dick whipped my ass, now look who's walking around all goo goo eyed. He even got a picture of me in his wallet in the spot his drivers license shud be. Cornball ass nigga! :: Sigh :: When will he learn, nobody can be as insensitive and emotionally detached as me, nobody. Lol. Although he seems to be secure, commanding and in control, once a top shotta comes his way, suddenly his busy work schedule and negative experiences don't matter one bit.

Another one bites the dust.

Short, Dark and Handsome.

"So, there's this guy that wont stop talking about you!" my homegirl said the other day. "Smart, rich, sexy..." "Is he tall?" I interrupted. I wanted to know. Because after years of, giving men that are complete lames, a chance, I've owned up to being picky lover. If he's over 5'7'', he better have one hell of a pe- I mean, "personality". Or better yet, a fine ass short friend.

Sure, I know it's kind of shallow to judge a man by what his height is, but I can't help it. I'm only 5'5'', and I'm attracted to men who are close to my height. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. There are all kinds of equally superficial reasons people are turned on and off by people. My friend Jess will only date a man if he has a full head of hair. My other homegirl Gab insists he atleast have a six pack. Measuring a man's attractiveness in vertical inches may be superficial, but at least it's a feature that lasts a lifetime.

I've always wondered about women who want their men to be ball player height, at least 6'2''. Maybe they dont feel uncomfortable looking their guy in the eye? Do they feel too big and want to feel smaller? Maybe it's some kind of daddy fixation. Or maybe they are just like, fuck it, the dude doesn't listen anyway, so why not just talk to his chest?

Perhaps some women can't handle the male physique. They are only capable of dealing with one body part at a time. Personally, I like to have everything within easy reach. Kissing is a lot more fun when you're not getting a cramp in your neck. And for a the ultimate sexual experience, you just can't beat having lips, nips and hips all match up at once. There's a special intimacy that comes with being the same height as your lover. Visually, your perspective is the same. You truly see each other eye to eye. And with lips so close to ears, you can easily whisper sweet nothings to him, even in public places.

There's a sense of exhibitionism that comes into play, too. You and your boo are always so perfectly aligned, so perfectly matched up, so its easy access. Clothes are all that keep your bodies from touching in all the right places.

There is a special youthfulness about short men. Most retain their boyish looks well beyond boyhood. The aging back problems that plague their taller brothers aren't as common among short men. Gravity is kinder to them. And, of course, sex just fits better. Being the same height makes it possible to do complicated positions without being super flexible. Standing sex is easier when your legs are the same length.

Depending on which study you believe, the average penis size is somewhere between 5 and 6 inches. But the difference in average penis size for a 5'4'' man and a 6'4 ''one is only half an inch!

Perception makes all the difference. Does he pull out six inches or is he packing some 9 inch heat? Is size predictable? Not really. At least I don't think it is. Sure you can look at feet and fingers. Big thick fingers will almost guarantee that you'll get something big and thick. Short, tall, fat or thin doesn't seem to make a reliable difference in predicting penis size. Tight pants make for nice packaging visual, but make most men look kinda gay(Ie:Kanye West).

With the family jewels, like fine jewels, the setting is key. A man's body is sort of a background display for his dick. And it works like an optical illusion. Big body + average penis =Ehh..Okay. Average body + average penis = average. Really short guy + average penis = Hot Damn! This is the guy who looks like he's got a third leg.

You can't stereotype penis size. Personality size, however, is something else. There is some truth to short guys being loud, obnoxious and more aggressive. Since childhood, they've had to speak up to be noticed. What they lack in height, they make up for in might and wit. Little boys who are small for their age are usually the biggest troublemakers and smartasses. They may not beat up on other kids, but they're the ones they stay instigating shit. The smart ones become champions at verbal ether. Some even manipulate the larger boys into causing trouble.

As short boys grow (hopefully not too much), they can use those people skills to get ahead in the world. Some will appear taller as they develop a bigger bank account.

I've always believed that all men can be masculine. But short men have their masculinity in a stronger, more concentrated form. Yes, they can sometimes be extra explosive -- it's a matter of contents under pressure. Napoleon is a perfect example. Short dude with a high-testosterone, full-of-fight personality. And he had a reputation for being one very horny mofo. That picture of him standing with his hand tucked into his coat? My guess:he was actually grabbing his dick. It reached all the way up there.

My friend, who wanted to hook me up with dude, finally admitted that the man was 6'2''. He had seen me at a party a while back. I, not looking in his direction (up), hadn't even noticed him. "But he sure noticed you," she said. "He's been going on and on about your how gorgeous you are. He told me he dreams of taking you out and sweeping you off your feet. Stop being a bitch, Please, he's been begging and begging me to introduce you."

Begging? I thought. Oh, fuck it. All men are short when they're on their knees.